Why Self-Compassion is Better than Self-Care

BY KATIE KERSHENBAUM, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND THERAPIST AT CAIRN COUNSELING

Have you ever felt low, overwhelmed, or defeated? Have you ever turned to the internet to help with these feelings? If you have, I am guessing that you've scrolled through lists of articles and blogs about ways to cope with difficult emotions or better manage hard days. In that self healing search, I assume that you've stumbled upon the term "self care" - a common term used in our culture. 

We live in a "self care culture", where a lot of the language and advice around mental health and well-being is about just having a better self care routine! Oftentimes, this self care is portrayed as bubble baths and face masks, watching your favorite guilty pleasure TV show, or taking a weekend vacation. Although all of these things are wonderful, and I personally try to incorporate them into my own life when I can, these forms of self care aren't always accessible, realistic, or even helpful long term. They can act as a band-aid (a helpful and soothing one for that matter) but may not be addressing the root of what you’re going through and the reason that you need self-care in the first place. 

The pervasiveness of self-care on social media within our broad self-help culture encourages us to rely on external things to help soothe and comfort us. Many of these external comforts can absolutely help lift our moods after a crummy day; but if we are relying fully on those bubble baths to heal us from things like social anxiety, low self-worth, or feelings of failure - those bubbles can fall short of the task of internal healing at times.  

In my work as a therapist, I hold the view of building self compassion as a means for healing. Self compassion is a mindset, a way of thinking, and a skill you can learn. You can use self compassion at almost any time or in any place. Self compassion can be a tool to fight against self loathing and aid in building self esteem and self worth.

Just as you'd schedule in that bubble bath, you can intentionally make time and space in your day to practice self compassion. It is a continual practice and doesn't always come naturally or easy.

So, what is self compassion? Self compassion is pretty much what it sounds like: treating yourself with compassion, or viewing your challenges, hardships, and mistakes with understanding and kindness. In the same ways that you may show kindness to a friend who is suffering or to a loved one who has failed in an endeavor, you treat yourself with that same generosity and understanding. 

Graphic by Johnine Byrne outlining Kristin Neff’s self-compassion research

Here are a few small steps to begin practicing self-compassion:

• Make a list of things you like about yourself. Now, when you've had a bad day or are feeling low- go find this list and read it aloud. Maybe even multiple times.

• Make a list of positive affirmations, things to remind yourself of on those harder days. Here are some examples:

• "you did the best you could in the given circumstances"

• "it is okay to have a bad day"

• "it is okay to make mistakes"

• "you don’t have to be perfect"

• Build internal coping tools such as relaxation, mindfulness, meditation, maybe a yoga or movement practice that helps get you out of your brain and more into your body.

"Self care" is often depicted as something you do on your own: something that only YOU must work on to make things in your life feel a bit better. If you find yourself not feeling any better after practicing a self care routine or are struggling to practice self-compassion, don't be too hard on yourself. This is tough! 

We live in a highly individualistic culture where a lot of the onus is on YOU to learn how to take care of yourself. Sometimes, we need help from others in order to do that and that is okay! Counseling can be another tool to use in supporting your self care/compassion journey. If you are interested in reaching out for some support in building a self-compassion routine, contact us! And maybe still give yourself that bubble bath every once in a while ;) 

New to Counseling in 2023? What to Expect in Therapy for the First Time

BY TARA BARRETT, THERAPIST (LICENSED SOCIAL WORKER)

There is little question that there is a mental health crisis in the United States as 20% of adults experience some form of mental illness each year. In 2020, there were an estimated 52.9 million adults aged 18 or older with some form of mental illness. Young adults aged 18 to 25 had the highest prevalence of illness at 30% (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

In many ways, the stigma surrounding mental health is decreasing as more people seek assistance for mental illness through counseling. If you are new to therapy, or are considering it, you are not alone! Read on to get an idea for what therapy may look like as a new client.

Finding a Therapist

Often, the first step of finding a therapist can feel overwhelming. The website Psychology Today can be a helpful resource, as you are able to search for therapists in your area and apply filters based on insurance, preferred language, identity preferences, etc. You can then review therapist profiles that meet your search criteria to learn more about their background and approach to therapy. In addition, if you meet regularly with a Primary Care Provider, you can request referrals for mental health providers within your insurance network. Many therapists offer a 15-20 minute phone consultation in order to answer any questions you may have and explore whether you would be a compatible match in working with one another.

Getting Introduced to Your Therapist

In your 15-20 minute phone consultation, it can be helpful to share with the therapist what is bringing you to therapy, what support you are looking for, and your mental health background. If you are looking for a therapist with specific specializations or certifications, be sure to mention this in your call. If this therapist does not feel they are an appropriate fit in working with you, they will often offer to provide you with referrals for other therapists that could better meet your needs.

The First Session

Once you’ve “matched” with a therapist and completed the required intake paperwork, you will move into meeting with your therapist for the first time. In this session, your therapist should inform you of their practice policies (i.e. re-scheduling, cancellations, invoices/fees, etc.) as well as explain to you your rights as a client. Don’t hesitate to ask questions or clarify - this is your time to receive needed and desired information before moving forward.

The first session often includes the therapist gathering information to get to know you and better understand your presenting concern i.e. experiencing grief/loss, symptoms of anxiety or depression, relational support, etc.. Therapists will often ask questions about what led you to seek counseling services and the duration and severity of your concerns. They may also ask about your life outside of therapy - your hobbies and interests, your support network, your career or occupation, etc.

In order to move forward in supporting you, it’s important that your therapist gains a broad understanding of your personality, relationships and background, as well as your resources and barriers to healing. Research has supported that the biggest indicator of client satisfaction with therapy services is the quality of the client-therapist relationship; thus, it is critical that your therapist works to build a foundation of trust and safety within your first few sessions together.

The Process

After a few sessions, your therapist may then discuss with you what goals you would like to work towards in therapy. These goals provide a sense of guidance for your time together, and are often reflected on after a certain number of sessions/months to identify areas of progress as well as continued growth. 

If you have questions or feedback at any time in the therapy process, please voice this to your therapist. Your thoughts and opinions are worthy of being heard, and often can help to strengthen the therapeutic relationship and experience.

While each therapist holds a different approach to how many sessions they recommend for their clients, you have the ultimate say in choosing your commitment to therapy. You are not required to continue with therapy if you feel that you have reached your goals and/or your time in therapy no longer feels valuable or sustainable with life factors. If this is the case, voice this to your therapist, who will then discuss with you what the process of termination (or ending your services) looks like.

If you feel overwhelmed in starting this process, you are not alone; I hope you feel proud of yourself for taking this first step!

Ready to get started with your healing journey?